Tips for the Holidays

Politics at the Family Table:  Managing Conflict During the Holidays

From Jennifer Triana, LCSW

This November the United States completed a controversial political season and the outcomes of many levels of races, from local laws and legislative seats to the Presidential election, are still being digested by the nation.  A 2024 poll from the American Psychological Association (APA) found that approximately 32% of adults said the political climate has caused a strain between themselves and family members (Ho, J., October 29, 2024).  No matter which party you align with, or no party at all, you might be able to relate to the relational tension the APA picked up on in their poll.  Many people have had the experience of deciding to block or “unfriend” someone from social media, or simply socially disconnect from someone we no longer relate to due to lack of harmony in our social values or political stances.  This brought me to consider how we each could prepare ourselves to make our holiday time with friends, neighbors and family members as inclusive and loving as possible and skip the tensions or outright conflicts.

Here are a few tips to help preserve your peace and your relationships during the holidays.

1. Boundaries Sustain Relationships: Boundaries allow us to stay in relationships rather than severing  Set some ground rules before you gather.  Try to agree on what topics are off limits or to keep the conversation light, i.e., "In honor of our time together we are hoping we can agree to limit political conversation and focus on our memories as a family."
2. Have an Exit Strategy: If things start to feel too tense or if boundaries aren’t honored, it’s okay to excuse yourself.  If you came to the gathering with someone, agree on nonverbal cues, a safe word or a phrase to indicate to each other the desire to leave.
3. Accept Imperfection: The holidays don’t have to be  Were they ever really?  It’s okay if the dinner table feels a bit awkward, if conversations don't go as smoothly as you'd like or if you need to take breaks for your own emotional well-being.  Being together, without trying to fix everything is enough.
4. Don’t Force Reconnection: If certain relationships feel too strained to mend immediately, that’s okay  Reconnecting over the holidays doesn't always mean resolving every issue.  Sometimes the act of being present and showing that you're open to future conversations is a good first step.
5. Focus on What You Can Agree On: Should you try to engage, steer conversations toward creating space for connection rather than division.  Reminding yourself and others of shared histories, fond memories and mutual care can foster understanding, even when you don’t agree on everything.
6. Be Gracious, No Matter What: If the goal is to preserve and nurture your cherished relationships, focus on how you can move forward together, fostering mutual respect and  Staying humble, avoiding gloating or over-celebrating – particularly in front of those with differing views – shows consideration for others' feelings.  Conversely, try to keep a calm demeanor.  It’s better for your health to acknowledge your feelings and work through them rather than becoming reactive.
7. Imbibe Mindfully: During the holidays drinking often becomes part of the festivities.  When families and friends gather, it's important to be mindful of how alcohol can affect relationships.  In addition to impairing judgment and empathy, alcohol can lower inhibitions, making people more likely to speak or act impulsively, and have less patience for other’s points of view (Priory Hospital Chelmsford, 2024).  This could lead to misunderstandings or heated exchanges, especially in discussions about emotionally charged topics like politics.  Encouraging responsible drinking, providing alternative beverages and reminding each other to pace ourselves can help mitigate the risks of conflicts.

The holidays should be a time of joy and connection, but it's important to acknowledge we bring the whole year to the table with us, not just the essence of the day being celebrated.  Approaching family and friends with empathy and patience, and thoughtful boundaries and flexible strategies, will show them that you understand how important deeply held beliefs and identities are to us all.  We can navigate these complicated relational dynamics with grace.

If you return to campus after the 2024 holiday season closure and find yourself needing to process your experiences, the Faculty & Staff Assistance Program (FSAP) will be open again on January 2.  Visit us on Blink to find out about what FSAP does or how to make an appointment.

References and Resources to Explore:

• US News & World Report (Judy Ho, October 29, 2024):  Anxious About the Election?  Here’s How to Keep the Peace with Friends and Family On the ‘Other Side.’
• Priory Hospital Chelmsford (Priority, 2024), PRIORY Blog":  What is the link between anger and alcohol?
• AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION (December 10, 2024):  After a divisive election, most U.S. adults ready to avoid politics this holiday
• VCU Health (October 1, 2024):  Election season stress:  How to set boundaries with family and friends  
• LifeStance HEALTH (October 8, 2024):  LifeStance Survey Finds 79% of Americans Are Experiencing Anxiety Over the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election
• Rhode Island news (October 27, 2024):  Election anxiety could be ruining family relationships – forever

A Personal Commitment for Five Days

From William Youngblood, M.S., LMFT, CEAP, CATP

In 2011, Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology, wrote the book Flourish. In it he outlined five elements that contribute to well-being. During this time, as personal and professional pressures increase with increasing stressors in our lives, it can benefit us to take simple steps towards behaviors that increase our sense of well-being and increase resilience.

For this five-day commitment, we will use Seligman’s five elements to guide our 5 days of focus signified by the acronym PERMA. Feel free to do each of these days consecutively or accomplish them throughout the holiday season. Most of these commitments will have benefits in more than one area of PERMA.

Day 1: Positive Emotions

Research has found that acts of kindness significantly help us feel better physically and emotionally. For your first day, decide on a random act of kindness you will carry out. Perhaps you can check in on a neighbor, give an inspirational book to someone, pay for the person behind you in line, make it a day of complimenting others, leave quarters at a laundromat with a note wishing someone a great day, or any other random act of kindness. Find more ideas for random acts of kindness »

Day 2: Engagement

When we are deeply and fully engaged in an activity, it greatly impacts our sense of well-being. For your second day, make a list of activities that you get deeply engaged in; then, engage in one of those activities. Consider activities that require a balance of skill and challenge. Options like doing a puzzle, sports, building something, gardening, writing, music, etc. Learn more about the power of engagement »

Day 3: Relationships

Positive healthy relationships allow us to feel connected, understood, challenged, and can offer a pleasant distraction. For your third day, take a moment to write a letter of gratitude to someone in your life. Communicate to them the behaviors they do that you appreciate, what it says about them, and what their behavior communicates to you. For an extra moment of connection, read it out loud directly to them before giving them a copy. Read more about relationships and social connection »  

Day 4: Meaning

Having an understanding about the meaning of the behaviors we engage in can make a significant difference in how we experience them. For example, UC San Diego employees can just simply work a job or they can acknowledge they contribute to a top-ranked university that educates future leaders and conducts research that will changes the world for the better. On your fourth day, take a moment to consider an activity you do often (job, relationship, daily routine, parenting, etc.). Then list your reasons why you engage in this activity. Next refine this to how this activity contributes to higher values in life that matter most to you (accomplishment, connection, compassion, responsibility, etc.). Notice how his impacts your view of this activity. Read more about meaning and purpose »

Day 5: Accomplishment

When we notice accomplishment and areas of growth we feel the positive consequences of our success. On your fifth day, make a list on a piece of paper of three specific concrete tasks that you would like to accomplish for the day. Each time you complete a task, draw a line through it; then, say out loud, “Great! I did it”! Then, of course, upon completing your five days, remember to say out loud, “Great! I did it”! Read a nice summary article about accomplishment »

Music is the Universal Language of Love

From the Resource Desk at FSAP

Jimmy Cheatham always said – with that big, bright smile – “Music is the universal language of love.” He was a faculty member of UC San Diego's Department of Music for 27 years before retiring in 2005. He provided inspiration and, during this unpredicatable year and holiday season, continues to remind us to connect to life and the world!

Whether you listen to music that brings you comfort and joy (like the jazzy, festive soundtrack from A Charlie Brown Christmas) or enjoy something new, find expression and inspiration through music that can be relatable and universal to all! In case you missed it or you want to be a part of a jam session, here is your invitation to join Jeannie and Jimmie Cheatham and the Sweet Baby Blues Band perform "Meet Me With Your Black Drawers On".